Noah (2014)

No, really, this is from the movie.

“This is not historical at all. I don’t even know why it’s on the list.”

“Some people think it’s historical?”

“Religious people?”

“Yeah. Also, I was hoping that at least the clothes might be sort of historical…Or the milieu.”

“They’re all white.”

Noah was a sort-of-interesting movie with some stunning visuals. It’s probably not the worst movie we will end up watching during this whole thing, but it may be the least historically useful. It didn’t appear to be all that biblically accurate, either. I’ve sort been waffling about keeping the religious-historical movies on the list at all.

(Upcoming spoilers.)

My most lasting impression of the Noah story comes, inevitably, from song. So, I’m pretty clear on the fact that god told Noah to build and ark-y, ark-y, build it out of sticks and bark-y, bark-y. Further, I'm definitely sure that that the animals, they came, they came by twosies, twosies: elephants and kangaroosies, -roosies. . . (That video is totally worth it.) You know what’s not in the biblical story of Noah? Dragon dogs. Magical fire stones. Giant rock angel monsters. Methuselah living on a mountain and putting roofies in Noah’s tea so that he hallucinates god. Garden of Eden snakeskin relics. Magical animal sleeping smoke. Noah’s son falling in love with a grave-pit girl. An evil stowaway eating the animals. Noah deciding that all mankind must die and thus planning the murder of his new twin nieces. Twin nieces that were supposed to grow up and marry his other sons. Twin nieces that were born less than 40 days after conception.

I love you, Dragon Dog.

That all actually makes the movie sound kind of awesome.

At one point after they had landed, Noah was getting drunk because he was sad about failing god’s mission of destroying all humanity and Jake said, “Oh, that’s accurate! Noah was definitely an alcoholic.” That was not in the song and so I did not believe him, but it turns out that Noah does get sad and drink wine in the bible. I was struck by how much bloody effort it would have been for Noah to get off the ark and single-handedly make enough wine to get drunk. I mean, how long does it take to plant and harvest grapes, just as a start?

I also wonder why they bothered to age Russell Crowe throughout the movie, when Noah lived well into his 900's according to the bible.

I'm pretty sure that Jennifer Connelly was wearing jersey knit throughout the movie, and we definitely saw someone wearing a welding mask, so no luck with my hope for historical props.

I guess the dragon dogs didn't make it onto the ark.

I don’t think I will ever be able to watch a movie with Anthony Hopkins without making ingressive snake sounds as soon as he comes on screen.

"You're looking delicious today, Ham. Or Shem. Or whatever."

Historical Accuracy

None.

So, what WAS going on at the supposed time of Noah’s ark? Lots! We’ve moved tens of thousands of years into the future from Quest for Fire, and mankind managed to figure some stuff out during those years such as: pottery, agriculture, animal domestication, wheels, carts, buildings, irrigation, writing, bronze working, art, religion and funereal practices. People are living in cities and being ruled by kings who are building legal systems. Pharaohs are building pyramids. Everyone is already spinning, weaving and dyeing fabrics; cotton in India, linen in Egypt, silk in China. 

Utnapishtim might be surviving a flood in a boat around this time.

"How do you think I've lived to nearly a thousand, if not on the
flesh of young girls? I mean boys. Or whatever."